Smile

"Hey you! Why do you always smile?"

"You do smile a lot, don't you?"

"Can you stop smiling for a sec? I'm being serious here!"

"Keep smiling, dear." 

Yeah, to be honest, I do notice I smiled a lot. Well, who doesn't? My face are so stretched, my cheeks are closer to my eyes, my mouth feels so awkward I even have a second thought of whether to smile with my teeth out or not. And God, when I saw those pictures of me smiling, I became Brock.

Seriously. What's with those eyes? Are they sleeping or what?

Some people call them 'Asian eyes'. Well, I call those people racists.

//clears throat//

//do some warming up//

//do that exercise things with your fingers like those writers do before they type//

Why do I smile?

Well personally, I don't have a precise answer.

I knew the fact that I didn't smile that much when I was a kid, as proven in those childhood pictures - I was quarter-smiling, quarter-smirking, half-frowning. Not a joker. Well, maybe a Joker, minus the makeup. I am referring to Heath Ledger's Joker, not the others before him.

All hail Heath Ledger, and Christopher Nolan!

Maybe I smile a lot because I was happy.... I guess?

Well, I'm not really that happy everyday. I sometimes don't feel happy at all in a day.

I was stressed, burdened, emotionally torn apart and felt like jumping off an endless cliff that leads to a dark, creepy, infinite abyss.

Now why would I smile if I was not happy? People smile when they're happy, right?

Well, I suppose now I have an answer.

I smile, because that's the only thing I do best.

1) Against confrontation

Let me tell you something - I hate confrontation.

I hate the fact that people need to confront each other to defend themselves - be it debate or discussing, or sharing thoughts. No! In fact, I even hate discussion or group work, because I prefer doing things in my own ways. Not because I'm a dictator or an aggressive leader, but because things will not turn out good or right. Things will go downhill, I tell ya. [end of narcissist commentaries]

I hate the fact that humans need this kind of activity to compete whose ideas are the best and who is the loser. A game. A race. These are all creations of men. I mean, look back at the history. Almost everything began and ended because of wars. Competition between great powers and beyond, as they say. Meh. Let me just sit here and sip my tea while I do my life. Mkay? Mkay.

Now where was I?

Ah-ha. Confrontation.

So, I avoid any form of confrontation by backing down or by simply say, "That's right. You win. I lose. Fair and share."

Yes, call me what you want - a coward, a loser. But me backing down means that you are no longer my responsibility. Do you read me?

RES-PON-SI-BI-LI-TY

Or do I have to transcribe it for you? /heh/

Do what you want to do. I don't care. But my hands are off from this matter.

All hail Jack Sparrow! Captain Jack Sparrow!

So I smile not because I acknowledge the fact that I accept my failure and resign to your victory. No!

Ohh hell naw!

I smile because I like to see how you manage yourself with your choice afterwards. I tried to warn you, gave you advice, but you won't listen to me and instead listen to yourself. Well, fine then. I guess I'm not that trustworthy at all, don't you think so?

I like to see you defeat by your own thoughts.

2) Favourite weapon of choice

I smile because that's the strength I got so far. I admit that I'm not that tough and strong nor have the amount of strength able to withstand a fight or even a fist right by the arm. Ouch! That hurts. 

Meh.

Yes yes, I got that a lot. "You're a guy, you're supposed to be brave and strong."

Well, I'm not those guys. I'm the guy that so fragile and weak, I don't even stand a chance with an ordinary guy.

So what?

You think strength is adequate in life?

I remember when we were in our Literature class and discussing about this one short story called "The Rules of the Game", an excerpt from the novel "Joy Luck Club"

When Sir Adlan mentioned that "inner strength" is the key or main theme of this story, I yelled to myself "hell yeah, amen to that!".

Oh yes, I got that inner strength.

When people see me smile, they assume that I'm cool, kind, soft-hearted and whatnot.

Then, I gain their trust. /mission accomplished/

Now, they are under my domain, like a puppet with strings attached to my fingers. /dance for me, puppet/

The next thing you know, they'll be telling things, often personal things, unraveling one by one right onto my face.

Easy. Piece of cake.

Dig deeper and you'll find right there at the centre, the heart and soul. The dominant control of all feelings and voluntary thoughts.

Manipulate it by the right choice of words. Use it against them.

Your enemy failed to detect it as a threat. Often assumed as compliments or reassurance of their situation.

Be used against them, and stop the clock! They are defeated.

Rewind a few seconds, repeat the manipulation part. Use it repeatedly.

Your enemy is bruised to death, by their own emotions and thoughts.

Squealing for help.

But the only living sensible thing next to them is you.

Smiling and laughing, walking away from you.

Yes, betrayal. But betrayal against you.

Revenge. Karma.

By a simple smile.

Of course, this mental thought experiment often take place entirely different in real life. Ughh.....

But for now, I'm smiling like a Cheshire cat. Waiting for your demise.

Yes, this entire post is not about regrets. I'm just revealing my purpose as to why I'm smiling, in contrast of what people thought.

Because when I smile, deep down inside I'm not smiling.

Consider that now.